Don't hug a dino



This weekend I will not be running 100 miles.

I was going to. I was trained to. 
But the year brought rain and environmental hardship an in lieu of runners taking 6 trips around a 16.67 miles loop, with two river crossings, there will be park rescue crews watching overflowed banks, exposed roots, broken trail and mud. The race was postponed.

My feet will not traverse those steps.

Instead, I will run the streets around my home. I will jump rope to condition my ankles, lift weights to strengthen muscles and stretch hips that always seem a little too tight. I will continue a training cycle that was to have waned by now. I will try to push myself, despite my planned pushes being all pushed out.

Training for a race is hard. Training for a race that is postponed is a bit like torture. Taking the bandaide off, ever more slowly. It is anxiety waves, ridden for weeks, only to crest too early and catch tide again. It is rearranging gear bags, packed weeks ago. Re planning laundry cycles to make sure my favorite shorts and sports bra aren’t washed too many more times, so as to hinder their holding abilities. 

But these thoughts… these thoughts are small in the large auditorium of brain space I have made available for this moment in life. I am parent now to a 10 year old child who can’t function in a classroom, but doesn’t merit, negatively or positively, alternative placement. Who is smart as a whip, but makes stupid snap decisions. I spend hours with a 6 year old whose views on the world I admire, but can’t grasp concepts like “wear a sweater when it’s cold.”

So while elongating a training cycle that took my whole heart, I also do laundry, clean dishes, positively reinforce good behavior, feed a guinea pig, clean a fish bowl, and maybe if I am lucky, actually sleep an appropriate number of hours through the night.

Let’s add to this mix: I have returned to school. I am pursuing my CPA and am taking upper level classes in accounting theory and practice. I love reading, but the homework takes hours of focus, of which I wish I had more.

I am partnered happily with the love of my life and this amazing woman is my soulmate and my best friend. She also needs help around the house and can’t handle all the headaches of a needy first grader and differently abled preteen.I love her and stand beside her and will never ever let myself falter from that choice, but there are times where the difficulty of it all weighs heavy upon my shoulders. 

This weekend… it would be nice to just run. To take 24 hours and just run.Run, Run. Push my body and turn off my mind. Let myself be selfish and say, “hey! This is my race! I will run it for me and no one else!”

But this weekend…
My feet will not traverse those steps.
My mind will not mull those thoughts.

I will watch a movie with the kids and jump rope and go to the gym. 
I will love the little ones with quality time and honor my partner with shared responsibilities. We will hold one another each night.

But I will lay awake..
Lay awake and think…

6x16.67 mile loops. You were pushed back but not cancelled. 
My weekend will come, and I’ll be more ready than ever.

But this weekend, I will not be running 100 miles.

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